I was onstage.
Performing with a spectacular ensemble, including people from real life SLEDGEhammer Days
And some of the cast of
Helena was there
Ralph was there
as He Who Shall Not Be Named
And I think Mad eye Moody was there, but being played by Ruff
It was a Spectacular Spectacle
In a very raw and gritty sort of way
Lucas and Dave were in the audience
Lucas was mouthing the words to all my lines
from his seat in the audience
just like an obsessive stage parent
In the final moments of the show
I was launched to the edge of a half pipe-like platform and then human catapulted even further into the air
and then right off the stage
I had the great sensation of flight
And the horrific realization that I was not, in fact, a bird
Nor a Valkyrie
Then I saw a strategically placed
Covered in teal and purple silk
The colors rushed up toward my face
agonizing gravity and supernatural dream-like levity
With a thump
Sound of applause
A waking sensation still within the dream
and the realization
still within the dream
that I just performed the entire show
Or was it my alter ego?
Or was it the other side of my brain?
Or was it Natalie Portman as Hermione Granger?
Wasn’t Brunhilde’s animal alter a black swan?
Didn’t the black swan imagery inspire my costume for the role of Brunhilde?
I think it did.
I think it did.
I dyed my hair jet black with
fire engine red stripes
I wore red eye shadow
and a black lace corset under there
This schizophrenic dream trip haunted me as I made my way out to a cast party
still in the dream
and through a makeshift green room made of temporary tents
I searched through my gym bag to find my personal belongings
Watch and Wedding ring
Anxious to get to my family
To hear their reaction
To find some sense of sanity and
Freaked out by what had just transpired
How would I explain to my director
Had no idea
how I got here?
That it must have been
the other me
who went through what must have been
a grueling rehearsal process,
the other me
there peforming through the opening night
until the moment
acheived consciousness within the dream
in that moment that
was released from a schizophrenic slumber
upon hitting the silken mattress covered stage
in the final beat
of our play
Do you see the twisted correlation here?
I made my way to Kirsten who was happy to have the show opened
I approached her in terror and confusion
I explained my state of mind
My confusion at how I arrived here
That I was terrified of that launch and subsequent fall
Not understanding that I would be safe at the end of it,
Not remembering I had rehearsed it a million times
Not registering that it was a calculated stunt
because I was thinking the entire time as I was soaring through the air
that I was actually diving to my death
or at least to major bodily harm
what a trip
I was crying
She said something to the effect that I didn’t have the
The sense-memory of having already performed the stunt
The physical-memory in my bones to rely on
but I still pulled it off
Which is why it was so spectacular for the audience to behold
Because my fear
Was fucking real
I awoke this morning
in real life
in my bed
thinking of this dream
and of the films which inspired this dream
And my days
creating brilliant theatre
With my whole body and soul
Jessa and Michael (real life directors of bzgang)
And so many others with skillful souls
and giving hearts
and strong bodies
and powerful voices
And I couldn’t stop
Kirsten needs to write an adapt-fucking-tation of Swan Lake for the Stage
She needs to get it produced
Cuthbert needs to design it.
I can’t wait to see it.
© 2011, Laura Lee. All rights reserved.