A Dream For The Stage

Last night I had a Berzerkergäng meets Black Swan dream.

Nightmare.

I was onstage.

Performing with a spectacular ensemble, including people from real life SLEDGEhammer Days

And some of the cast of

Harry Potter

Helena was there

Ralph was there

as He Who Shall Not Be Named

And I think Mad eye Moody was there, but being played by Ruff

It was a Spectacular Spectacle

In a very raw and gritty sort of way

Lucas and Dave were in the audience

Lucky Me

Lucas was mouthing the words to all my lines

from his seat in the audience

just like an obsessive stage parent

In the final moments of the show

I was launched to the edge of a half pipe-like platform and then human catapulted even further into the air

and then right off the stage

I had the great sensation of flight

And the horrific realization that I was not, in fact, a bird

Nor a Valkyrie

Then I saw a strategically placed

Mattress

Covered in teal and purple silk

The colors rushed up toward my face

and I

Fell fast

and heavily

upon it

agonizing gravity and supernatural dream-like levity

simultaneously

With a thump

And then…

Sound of applause

A waking sensation still within the dream

and the realization

still within the dream

that I just performed the entire show

while asleep

Or was it my alter ego?

Or was it the other side of my brain?

Or was it Natalie Portman as Hermione Granger?

Wasn’t Brunhilde’s animal alter a black swan?

Didn’t the black swan imagery inspire my costume for the role of Brunhilde?

I think it did.

Truth.

I think it did.

I dyed  my hair jet black with

fire engine red stripes

I wore red eye shadow

and a black lace corset under there

This schizophrenic dream trip haunted me as I made my way out to a cast party

still in the dream

and through a makeshift green room made of temporary tents

I searched through my gym bag to find my personal belongings

Watch and Wedding ring

Anxious to get to my family

To hear their reaction

To find some sense of sanity and

balance

and

completely

Freaked out by what had just transpired

How would I explain to my director

that I

Had no idea

how I got here?

That it must have been

the other me

who went through what must have been

a grueling rehearsal process,

the other me

there peforming through the opening  night

until the moment

that

this me

acheived consciousness within the dream

in that moment that

 this me

was released from a schizophrenic slumber

upon hitting the silken mattress covered stage

in the final beat

of our play

Do you see the twisted correlation here?

I made my way to Kirsten who was happy to have the show opened

I approached her in terror and confusion

I explained my state of mind

My confusion at how I arrived here

That I was terrified of that launch and subsequent fall

Not understanding that I would be safe at the end of it,

Not remembering I had rehearsed it a million times

Not registering that it was a calculated stunt

because I was thinking the entire time as I was soaring through the air

that I was actually diving to my death

or at least to major bodily harm

what a trip

I was crying

terrified

ashamed

confused

Kirsten understood

She said something to the effect that I didn’t have the

twin memory,

The sense-memory of having already performed the stunt

The physical-memory in my bones to rely on

but I still pulled it off

Which is why it was so spectacular for the audience to behold

Because my fear

Was  fucking real

I awoke this morning

in real life

in my bed

thinking of this dream

and of the films which inspired this dream

Black Swan

Harry Potter

Inception

And my days

creating  brilliant theatre

With my whole body and soul

With Kirsten

Ruff

David

Janet

Sara

Jaysen

Jessa and Michael (real life directors of bzgang)

Melissa

Kim

Elizabeth

Miah

Julie

And so many others with skillful souls

and giving hearts

and strong bodies

and powerful voices

And I couldn’t stop

thinking

Kirsten needs to write an adapt-fucking-tation of Swan Lake for the Stage

She needs to get it produced

Cuthbert needs to design it.

I can’t wait to see it.

© 2011, Laura Lee. All rights reserved.