The other night

I dreamed

I held my own fertilized embryos

In a water-balloon-membrane-like container

I remember feeling really anxious

The load was precious

Delicate

Fragile

In my dream

I dropped the

Balloon

It burst on the floor

And my zygotes

Went spilling out

Like little brine shrimp

Sea monkeys

lost at sea

I panicked

Hard

I think my mother and sister were there

In my dream

Panicking

Hard

with me

Shouting heated words of

Help

Encouragement

And frustration

For my clumsy mistake

I tried to pick them up like

collecting a fallen Contact lens

With the tip of my finger

One tiny monkey

At a time

I don’t think I got them all

I collected them into another container

that looked like a to-go box  

Filled with a saline-like fluid

Agarose gel

Thank you very much

To keep the slippery little shrimp

Moist

And lubricated

Whatever the heck that means

I carried this little to-go box

Of life

around with me through the dream

On my way to a work function

Traveling for my job

I peaked under the lid a couple of times to see

The little monkeys

Growing and dividing

At various stages of

Mitosis

One of them looked like a cocktail shrimp

Another like a

little pickle with a face

And yet another like a

little salmon-colored-sliver-of-a-fingernail

My Babies All

The images from my dream,

They are so…

Clear. 

Disturbing.

Towards the end of the dream

It became

obvious to me that the

To-go box

Wasn’t a great way to transport the precious cargo

Each time I looked under the lid

 Something sloshed out

One loss

After another

My anxiety swelled

What was I going to do?

Flash forward in the dream

Another moment

I had to pick up my rental car

And I was pretty sure

I was drunk

Oh god would they rent a car to a drunk woman?

Carrying a Styrofoam box of

Almost-Microscopic babies?

I know.

Crazy.

This makes little sense

I’m Time jumping

Dream-traveling in a

Non-linear

Tangential fashion

I see

The To-go box of babies

Parading along

On a baggage-claim conveyor belt

Oh god

I need to get to that package

But it disappeared into the little dark cave where the luggage goes

Before it reappears again on the other side

I didn’t get to it quick enough

So now

Like a game of double-dutch

I am waiting

waiting

Watching for my package to re-appear

So I can claim it and take it to safe keeping

Then I see it in the line up

I rush to it

A little

Black Styrofoam

Square

I lunge for it

But I’m beat to the punch by ‘a Japanese tourist

who claims it before I can put my hands on the box

I’m confused

and stricken with fear

when I realize there is more than one

To-go box in the baggage claim procession

Oh god

Oh god

What do I do?

I grab the one that comes next

Peak under the lid

Confirm it is mine

Turn hastily to leave

And immediately spill the entire contents

Onto the floor

I’m frozen

In that moment before I can look down

To see what I’ve done

I feel scared

In my dream

In my bones

In my belly

In my bed

I look down and

There is

Nothing

Nothing

And I have this thought:

I can try again.

Note: I’m not pregnant, nor have I been pregnant since Bubs was born. We have been discussing adding to our family so I think this dream is a convergence of fears and anxiety over my desire to have another child, to be pregnant again with the knowledge that I’m getting older, combined with the mostly unspoken fear that I have about carrying a baby who could potentially have health issues.  

Fear that I could do something to F it up

Fear that my body would revolt

Fear that my eggs are too old

Fear that I won’t be able to have a healthy pregnancy again

 So.

Thank you, subconscious, for a terrifying evening of slumber. That was really, really great. No, really, I mean it.

 I, actually, really enjoyed being pregnant with Bubs, and he is a wonder child for so many reasons.  When I am awake,  and in this moment, I am thrilled and excited about the idea of adding to our family. It makes me happy.

Bottom line:  I think I’m just afraid that we already hit the lottery once with Bubs so how could we possibly be lucky enough to be blessed twice, you know, in the same lifetime!?

Oh yes, and then there is this fascinating bit of background….we recently watched Ditrict 9 on Netflix. So. I got that going for me, you know,  with the whole Prawn thing and all. It’s a great movie, but I will think twice about what I watch before bedtime moving forward.

 Anyway…I know I’m not alone in this feeling.

In this fear.

So if you can relate… please leave a comment to share your thoughts.